Ding Dong Merrily
Ding dong merrily on high,
In stores the tills are ringing:
Ding dong! Profits reach the sky
And filled with with owners singing.
Gloria, Bonuses in excelsis!
When I Was A Young Turkey
When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know;
“Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you’ll get six meals instead of just three,
So now I’m a pet in the farmer’s wife’s lap;
I haven’t a worry, so I eat and I nap;
She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said “Christmas is coming…
Tonight’s my first night
Tonight’s my first night as a watchdog,
And here it is Christmas Eve.
The children are sleeping all cozy upstairs,
While I’m guardin’ the stockin’s and tree.
Who’s this down the chimney?
A thief with a beard—
And a big sack for robbin’ the house?
Now the house is all peaceful and quiet again.
The stockin’s are safe as can be.
And see how I’ve guarded the tree.
Eat up, it is Christmas time, food is going amok:
Turkey, peas, potatoes, and dressing perhaps even a duck.
It’s OK, eat away:
Corn, gravy, cranberries, ham.
Eat up, it is Christmas day:
Salad, rolls, butter and jams.
Eat up, it is Christmas time:
You can not refuse; there is no reason:
Cake, gum, chocolate, candy.
The year is ending, never fear.
New Years Eve will soon be here
All resolutions will be listed in play.
A diet awaits you the very next day.
I Will Be Gone On Christmas
I will be gone on Christmas,
You can count on that.
There is no place like home on Christmas
Especially if you’re married to a dingbat.
For Your Christmas
For your Christmas presents,
I thank you one and all.
For the big ones many thanks,
And fewer for the small.
If I Were ol’ Santa
If I were ol’ Santa, you know what I’d do
I’d dump silly gifts that are given to you
And deliver some things just inside your front door
Things you have lost, but treasured before.
I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I’ve got
But I’m due at my doctor’s for an estrogen shot.
Even though we’ve grown older this wish is sincere
Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year.
I Made Myself A Snowball
I made myself a snowball,
As perfect as could be,
I thought I’d keep it as a pet,
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas,
And a pillow for its head,
Then last night it ran away,
But first – it wet the bed!
The funniest face
The funniest face
looked out at me
From a silver ball
On the Christmas Tree!
At first I thought
It was Santa’s elf,
But I looked again and
It was just myself!
So Long Ago
So long ago I left that house
Everyone couldn’t believe
That Daddy’s little girl would leave
Saying I’d never return.